I'm challenged to change the way I think about and approach life and the world, to see each and every place I go as an opportunity to go very intentionally to serve and not to be served. I am especially feeling the need to approach my job search that way, not measuring each possibility against what I want but looking at each in terms of how I can serve, how I can bring the kingdom of God to it, whether or not it is my strategic assignment for this time, for God and not so much for my own career aspirations. It's hard to think of it that way. But, as Greg reminded us tonight, everything in our lives should be a part of our ministry, because otherwise we're living in that divided heart where we try to mix the values of the kingdoms of this world with the kingdom of God and then just get confused and frustrated.
I've realized that I have a lot of pride in regards to my academic and job records. As I find myself working temp jobs to try to get by, jobs that I never thought I'd be doing, I see pride there. I see that I always thought myself too good for this type of work, that perhaps I thought I was somehow better than the people who do this. But really, it is an honest day's work, and the people who do it are no less intelligent or "good" than me. God's really teaching me to set aside my pride. Humility and servanthood, as Pastor Dale says, are not just the pathways to greatness but the very essence of greatness. I want to learn to be that, to not pray for an easy life but for the grace to live an epic life.
I keep learning deeper and deeper levels of trust in God and his provision. I finally put forward a pledge on Sunday for our church's missions fund, which was incredibly difficult for me to decide this year in light of my circumstances. I keep thinking about what Esther said about how you can really see where a person's values lie by how they spend their time and money when they have plenty, but I think it's also true of times of great need. Still learning what it is to give in the midst of my own lack, to be moved with compassion to action when it's so easy to become distracted by my own problems.
So the reason for all my ponderings tonight...I think I broke down tonight. I realized that I was still trying to hold everything together in my own strength. Last week I unexpectedly had all these things I had to fix on my car, which was quite expensive. On Monday, I headed to the only somewhat promising job interview I've had in a while that would give me a full-time job with benefits and a salary I can survive on and is sorta connected to publishing, but walking out of there I knew that it wasn't right, that it wasn't God's place for me. I was frustrated to be back to my optionless state with no real jobs on the horizon, and as I drove back, I was mentally calculating all my monthly bills and how long I could survive on one meal a day and wondering how in the world things would work out. When I got home, I had another piece of mail from the Tennessee Department of Labor informing me of my appeals hearing on Friday where I had to prove to them that I am not from China. Every time I get mail from them, I get angry, so angry. It's a horrible feeling being discriminated against. Then today I was back at my temp job, and my car started making noises like it was going to just fall apart on the road. So when I parked it at church before our Worship Arts Gathering, I just sat there by myself, and I felt the rush of tears coming. I so rarely cry, a lot of times because I hold tears in, trying to be strong. I scrolled through my phone, trying to think of someone I could talk to when I knew I was about to break down, but phone lists always seem so sparse in those times. I stepped into the frigid and biting wind, which seemed to match how I felt life was like these days, and I went to church. When we started singing praises to God, I had a great desire to be able to worship God especially in the middle of when I felt like all the pieces of my life were falling down because I couldn't juggle them anymore. I blinked back tears as I whispered the words, And as I look upon your name/ Circumstances fade away/ Now your glory steals my heart/ Evermore my heart, my heart will say/ Above all, I live for your glory/ Even if my world falls I will say/ Above all, I live for your glory. I think that Jesus heard me. I think that Jesus saw me trying to give what little I had left. Tonight I came to another layer of understanding about trusting God and believing him. Tonight I was touched by the way God used the little things people did to show me that he's here with me, like Andy and Chris looking at my car, like Bea praying for me, like Julie giving me the little roses and daisies (the friendliest flower) from the night's centerpieces...like the way I, for the first time, identified with David's prayers about God saving him from his enemies. I always thought that I didn't really have people chasing me to kill me, but I do have enemies of Christ trying to steal my joy and my life that are my inheritance from the blood of Jesus. But I am reminded that I'm not in this alone, trying to hold everything together.
Though a mighty army surrounds me, my heart will not be afraid. Even if I am attacked, I will remain confident...For he will conceal me there when troubles come; he will hide me in his sanctuary. He will place me out of reach on a high rock. Then I will hold my head high above my enemies who surround me. At his sanctuary I will offer sacrifices with shouts of joy, singing and praising the Lord with music. ~Psalm 27:3, 5-6
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